The African Relationships Blog

Four qualities that will make you attractive to most men

2009-10-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

Back again to the Technique of the Love Affair. In this post I'll share what Ms Moore gave as the four qualities you need to attract almost any man.

Poise. This means that you need to be self confident and graceful; everything you do needs to be poised so don't laugh with too much abandon. Avoid clumsiness, brashness, hostility, arrogance and embarrassed self consciousness. When you are arguing or trying to prove a point don't become too heated or hostile and learn how to display your accomplishments without being too obvious or attention seeking. I guess a whole post dedicated to poise is in order.
Light-heartedness. You need to appear cheerful and airy without any hint of grief and dejection. Once a man is in love with you and invested in you its okay to share your troubles and sorrows with him but when you've just met a guy or have just gone out for a few dates it will be a turn off for him to constantly see you sad and depressed.
Smart dressing. Here is a rule to follow: the less your attire resembles men's clothes the more they like it. Also men can't really tell how expensive your clothes are or what label you are wearing, as long as you are dressed like most women he sees he will think you are in fashion; if you look a bit more lavish than them he will be proud of your smartness. Dressing very differently and originally from other women might make him uncomfortable as you become too striking and draw too much attention.
Flattery. Actually flattering a man can be a delicate science but its something one needs to learn as it goes a long way. In the book a few pointers are given in order to successfully flatter him. First of all you need to appear attentive to his conversation but don't be too eager as he might start thinking that he is such a brilliant conversationalist and is doing you a favour by talking to you. Also encourage him to talk about himself but only about light superficial things. In the early relationship stages don't try making him talk about his finances, previous failures, troubles e.t.c or you might end up offending him or worse, being relegated to 'friend' status where he talks about al his problems with you and doesn't see you as a love interest.

Secondly, be more complimentary in your speech than in your actions. If you are flattering him with both your words and actions he will see that you want him badly and he start losing interest. If you are cold towards him both in your words and actions he will feel rejected and stop pursuing you. However when you compliment him with your words but are cold with your actions he gets enough encouragement to pursue you but enough anxiety to wonder whether you like him or not. So be extremely kind to him with your words (but don't profess any confessions of love or jealousy as this will make you lose your prestige) and cool with your actions. An example would be if he asks you out very last minute, you would thank him so much for the invitation but let him know that unfortunately you wouldn't be able to make it as you already have other plans.

Thirdly you have to let a man excel in the things men are traditionally expected to excel in so that he can treat you chivalrously. Don't fight him in this. For example let him beat you at games, let him order for you at a restaurant, let him laugh at your politics and logic as each of your 'blunders' endear him to you. I Know many women will come up in arms over this but when you are at work you can and SHOULD display all your power and intelligence and ballsiness but when you get home hung up your power suit and let him be the man. Let him feel strong and courageous and generous. (speaking of generosity here is a final tip, men like to feel needed so ask them to do things for you as this makes them happy! that took me a while to get used to but they really do like it when you ask them to do things for you)

So there you have it: Poise of manner, Neatness of attire, Light heartedness and Flattery. These combined with the other assets that most women have like beauty, fame or wealth can make you attractive to almost any man. THE END.

The danger of romantic thinking.

2009-10-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

After growing up on a steady diet of fairy tales and romance novels most women usually make the mistake of thinking romantically about a man the instant they meet him, sometimes even before they meet him. For instance, a friend tells you that she has met a guy that would be absolutely perfect for you. He has a good job, is well read, handsome and she'll introduce you to him at a function that weekend. Do you get really exited and immediately start fantasizing about when the wedding will be, the hilarious speech that will be made about how you met, how many kids you'll have e.t.c.? Or when out on a date, instead of listening to what your date is saying or watching his behaviour are you are thinking about how your children will look like, where you'll live, the things you can change about him to mkae him even more perfect? If so you need to STOP.

Premature fantasies only set you up for major disappointment as you tend to put the man on a pedestal and not see him for what he really is. Additionally you cause yourself unnecessary pain in case the date doesn't materialise into a relationship because you have invested so much of your emotions in a man that may not be right for you after all. In the technique of the love affair Ms Langley Moore against suggests some things that you can do to prevent yourself from too much romanticism.

The first is that you should not turn your back on your friends and interests just because you have a new man. Many women make this mistake and turn their new love interest into the centre of their world. This may backfire as it could make you boring to the man as you are losing the things that made you attractive to him in the first place. Additionally you crowd him out by always spending time together, give him some space and allow him to miss you. Seeing how active and interesting your life is will make you more interesting to him. Also in the event that the relationship does not work at least you still have your friends and hobbies to keep you busy.

Also when you meet a handsome new man don't convince yourself prematurely that you've met your soul mate and no other man will make you feel as good as he does. This creates a desperation and fear within you that he is the ultimate and you cannot afford to lose this and he will sense your desperation and get turned off. Also if the relationship ends you put yourself through unnecessary grief having convinced yourself that no one will ever love you like he did.

Something else she suggests is that to preserve your dignity don't put in writing overly romantic feelings as they will look ridiculous if the love affair comes to an end. I am guilty of this, I recently was gong through my sent items in my yahoo mail and came across a poem I had written to one of my ex's and I would die of embarrassment if he was to show that email to any our mutual friends. Send him fliratious texts or emails to tease him but nothing overly lovey dovey.

And the most successful tip to stop over romanticising a man? Date more than one man. This keeps your focus away from one man only and allows you to see that there are many fishes in the see so you won't act desperately trying to hold on to one man.

So that's that for today... let me go get some needed beauty sleep.

Mums Advice on working around tribalism / racism

2009-10-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

Everyone thinks their mum is the wisest woman that ever lived and I am no exception. I usually feel like I need a tape recorder to capture all the advice she gives me so that I can have records to pass on to my daughter and granddaughters.

So I have been a bit worried about making my career break in Kenya after hearing a lot about tribalism how hard it is to get a job nowadays especially if you are not from the 'right' tribe and so I asked my mum how she has survived tribalism or racism in her past and her email back as usual inspired me.

"We just do our work in an excellent way as our Creator has given us his talent. We are confident that he has breathed the spirit into us and so he dwells in us. Abiding by the same excellence, no man's designs will derail you.Simply live courageously and thrive! for He is with you always"

This is the same message as Isaiah 54:17

No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgement thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.

So as long as God is on your side and you work according to his will and instructions no acts of racism or tribalism can derail you.

Building yourself as a marketable brand

2009-10-09T04:15:00.000-07:00

I have just completed my graduate degree and have now been released to the weird and wonderful world of clambering to the top of the corporate ladder. Up until now I can't say I have been a roaring success in the workplace and I can come up with a number of reasons for that but probably my biggest weakness is my inability to network and build mutually beneficial relationships (you scratch my back and all that).

But I've just been reading the classic "Nice girls don't get the corner office" by Lois Frenkel and discovered another major mistake I have been making is not correctly branding and marketing myself. Just like a company has an image and brand that it needs to market and maintain we are the brand managers of our own career's. Here are some steps you can take to build your brand:

Make a list of 3 to 5 things that bring you the most satisfaction at work. For example for me these are: Coaching and developing employees, problem solving, completing projects successfully.
Use these to make a statement about yourself that you can easily state when asked about what your speciality is or what your strengths are. E.G. for me this would be: My patience and ability to communicate make a very good trainer and coach. As a team manager I am able to draw out my team members strengths helping them to do their jobs effectively and progress in their career.
When asked what you do, DO NOT minimize your position. Women tend to say things like I am just an analyst or I am just a supervisor. Stop that immediately, say what you do proudly e.g. I am a mortgage advisor for the largest bank in the country or if not working at the moment say something like "I am currently seeking a position that would make use of my 7 year banking experience and my Masters degree in finance"
Stop using your nicknames or allowing people to use a nickname at work settings. This diminishes your stature. For example the author states that you never hear people saying Billy Gates or Donny Tramp. Its Donald Tramp or Bill Gates. Similarly you shouldn't become Lizzy or Suzy at work. Also when you call someone and leave a voice mail or when signing off emails or letters use your full name.
If there is any vacancy or job that you want don't wait around to be noticed, speak up and ask if you can be considered for it. Also don't think you have to meet all the qualifications for a job before you can apply for it, you can learn on the job as most people do. Repeat this mantra "I am VERY smart. I will learn anything I need to learn in order to get any job done."
Never refuse an opportunity to stretch yourself even if offered a task or job you feel is beyond your capability. The person giving you the task must feel you can do it and by stretching yourself you will even surprise yourself how much you can achieve.
Whenever you are in a meeting always voice your opinion or ideas. Don't whisper silently to the person next to you, speak loudly and clearly so so that you are heard. Also in many cases men in the meeting might ignore your suggestion and then a few minutes later someone else says your exact same idea albeit a bit differently. When this happens don't just shut up, say something like "That sounds like you are building on what I suggested earlier so I would definitely support that."
It may also be an idea for you to suggest your ideas in writing maybe through email to you manager, supervisor or team. This makes it very hard for your idea to be ignored or passed on as somebody else's.

I actually really liked this book. I'll share more of what I learned from it in later posts but in general having finished reading it I feel really powerful and can't wait to get my teeth into the game of office politics and getting ahead career-wise whereas before I dreaded all that.

The importance of having many male suitors or admirers.

2009-10-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

In chapter two of the Technique of the Love Affair the author argues the importance to a woman of having many suitors, admirers or dates. Quite controversial I agree but her reasoning makes perfect sense to me.

First of all having many suitors gives a woman more skills and experience in dealing with men. Very few women end up marrying their first love and living happily ever after. Most of us made disastrous mistakes with that first man but we learn and get progressively better at dealing with men the more relationships we have (hopefully). So the more men we date the more we know how to handle them.

Secondly it makes a woman more desirable to the man she seeks. Men generally do not want things that other men don't want and this is especially true when it comes to women. The more proof he sees that you are sought after by other men the more he wants you. A woman with many admirers also cares more about her appearance as she is constantly on dates and wants to be seen at her best at all times. As a result she usually looks beautiful and put together and receives compliments from her suitors which gives her more self confidence and has the effect of making her even more attractive.

Another advantage is that it prevents the girl from pining too much after one particular man because if one suitor disappoints her by not calling or by trying to play mind games she has other men to keep her busy while said man comes to his senses.

The key in successfully dating many men however is to make sure that you don't flaunt your many suitors or try to make them jealous of each other. How you do this is another post for another day :)

Book 1 - Technique of the Love Affair.

2009-10-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

Much as I love everything to do with relationships and making them work I really can't claim to be an expert on them. That's why I've decided to have a regular study of the most important books written when it comes to building successful relationships. This way I can improve my relationship skills while sharing what I learn.

The first book I'm looking at is "The Technique of the Love Affair" by Doris Langley Moore. It was first published in 1928 so you can imagine it's ideas might be very ol fashioned. However many modern classics like Men are from Mars and The Rules do have some of the same ideas this book has. Its therefore quite fitting actually to start from the beginning and study old advice first as sometime these turn out to be the best ideas as they have withstood the test of time.

So chapter one of the book introduces the main characters, Cypria the teacher and Saccharisa the student. Cypria tells her student that in romantic relationships women have to be more cunning than men because as in the business world when it comes to our personal lives men tend to have more advantages than we do. For example Men compartmentalise their lives so they are able to separate love from other areas of their lives like work or spirituality. Women on the other hand cannot separate love from the other areas of their lives so if there are problems in the love front these could leak out and affect their work, friendships e.t.c.
Men also have more freedom physically and morally. Women usually have more guilt than men and when it comes to sex women have so much more to lose, e.g. we are the ones that could get pregnant thus suffer the consequences (Single parenthood, dropping out of school, abortion guilt e.t.c) and also the ones that usually suffer infertility from STD's.

So the rest of the book gives women pointers on how we can tip the scales back to our favour using age old techniques hence the name of the book. The only problem is that the author asks that the tips should be divulged to men so I need to think of a way of limiting the rest of the book's study to females only!

Chocolates

2009-10-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

A male friend just surprised me with a box of gourmet chocolates at my doorstep on his way home from work. He didn't ask to see me, just dropped them off and called me as he drove off to alert me to pick them up. It was such a simple and easy thing to do but went such a long way as hours later I am still smiling. Why don't men come up with such simple ideas more often? This same wonderful man once had a pizza delivered to my door when I mentioned in passing that I was so tired after a busy day at work thus prevnting me from having to cook. So sweet! Do you have any stories from when men just wowed you with their actions? Let me know and I can add them on. That way we can give any man that's reading some tips and ideas on how to make the ladies in their lives smile.

Top 10 Flirting Basics

2009-10-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

Most African societies tend to dictate that women should allow men to make the first move. However, in most cases women are actually the ones that choose their man by using subtle gestures to indicate their interest thus encouraging the man to make that oh so important first move. This is why it is quite important to know a few flirting basics that will indicate your availability to a man and make him like putty in your hands.

Essentially flirting is using your conversation and body language to indicate a romantic interest towards a particular man. Careful though, it's best not to use your flirtatious charms on men that you have no interest in, not only would that be cruel but it could get you into a terrible fix if the man ends up thinking you are available to him. Trust me, only use this potent tips on men you want hanging around you. So what are the top 10 flirting basics?

10. Look the best you can be. To be able to flirt effectively you need to be confident and comfortable in your own skin and when you look good you feel good! Just as women are attracted to alpha males that ooze masculinity men are very attracted to femininity. Dress like a lady, that is, pretty skirts and dresses rather than baggy jeans and tops. Put on a touch of lipstick and some perfume. Also it’s important to have interesting accessories like earrings or hair clips that will make him comment on them or want to touch. All the above would make you attractive to men and give you the confidence to act flirtatious around your love interest.

9. Wear high heeled shoes. These are the best kind of shoes to get a man’s attention when walking and they also act like a very good flirting prop when seated. To use them flirtatiously cross your legs and dangle one heeled shoe on the tip of your toes. Slowly and seductively let your leg swing up and down while having a conversation with him. This will definitely catch his attention.

8. Mirroring. In order to establish a connection with him and make him trust you try and copy his body language while talking to him using a technique called mirroring. Watch his body movements and after a few moments do the same. For example if he leans forward to talk to you, do he same. If he speaks quickly and excitedly do the same. If he smile you smile, he laughs, you laugh…get the picture? Word of warning: Only mirror positive body language, if for example he crosses his arms, doesn’t look at you or leans away from you all these signify disinterest and copying them would just create more negativity.

7. Treat all men kindly. If you are in a party or a club treat any man that approaches you kindly even if you are not interested in him. Other men may be watching you and if they see you rolling your eyes or laughing cruelly at him with your friends it would scare them away from approaching you too. If you don't like a guy that comes up to you smile and thank them for their interest and find a way to politely signify your disinterest in them so that other men that you might like more may approach.

6. SMILE. Have fun. Show that you are having a good time. No man likes a wall flower or ice queen so laugh a lot, dance, as having a good time is attractive.

5. Listen to the guy attentively and give him your attention. Nod appropriately while he talks to show you are listening and use verbal nod like mm-hmm and yeah. Laugh happily at his jokes and make him feel like the wittiest man alive.

4. Men love compliments! Find something interesting or great about him and compliment him on it. For example, touch his biceps and say something like, "Wow, you have such strong arms, do you work out a lot?” or if he says something interesting "Wow, how do you know so much about such and such, you are so intelligent!". Remember that the compliments have to be sincere and you get extra points if it is something that is not obvious to every other eye!

3. When talking to him slowly stroke your glass up and down or circle its rim seductively. Alternatively you can use your middle finger to absentmindedly stroke your collar bone while chatting. This will make the man think of doing the same to you.

2. Ask him to fix something for you; nothing will make him feel more like a man. Even something as simple as changing a light bulb for you is good; tell him how hard you find it to do such things. And when he finishes fixing or doing something for you don't forget to say the killer line… "I don't know what I would do without you around."

1. Eye contact. Your eyes are your most important asset when it comes to flirting so use them to your best advantage. If you see someone you like in a crowded room, meet their gaze and hold eye contact for 2 seconds then slowly look away. If the guy maintains eye contact with you he may also be interested but if he quickly looks away then he probably isn’t. When talking to a man remember to maintain eye contact. However don’t just stare at his eyes the whole time his talking, sometimes look at his lips then back at his eyes or at his forehead and back. However don’t look down or around the room or at other people while he’ trying to talk to you as this shows disinterest.

So there you have it. My best tips that I’ve learnt along the way. If you want to become a real pro I suggest reading articles by Tracey Cox online or buying her book called Superflirt.